Accidentally Finding a Guy, Then Running Away

Over a month ago, I decided to try OkCupid. I honestly didn’t think anything beneficial would come from it, I was quite skeptical that it would work for me. I filled out my profile, uploaded my photos, and waited for my line of eligible bachelors to start knocking at my virtual door. Guys came with their horrible pick-up lines and hook-up invitations, and some were genuinely interesting guys that I enjoyed talking to.

One guy in particular stuck out to me. His words soothed me and excited me in a way I didn’t understand. We made a date and he even came to pick me up. The chemistry between us was blatantly obvious. He took me to a nice dinner, we talked for hours, he took me to the top of a condominium building to see the night time Downtown Tampa skyline, we made out, he danced with me on that tower, and he took me home to his place. Literally the most romantic first date I have ever had with a stranger (ok, the only date I’ve ever had with a stranger, but it couldn’t have been more perfect).

Now, I am not the type of girl who ever saw myself sleeping with someone on the first night of meeting them. EVER. But I couldn’t resist him or the feelings I had. But back to the story.

He took me home the next morning, and I was all smiles. But as the days passed, something changed. He would call me or text me, and I wouldn’t be as excited to talk to him. I couldn’t get other people out of my mind. He eventually took me out on another date to a Lightning Playoff Game watch party at a local bar. He was so into me, but I didn’t want it. I didn’t understand why I felt so differently towards him. Even kissing him felt like I was kissing a stranger, it didn’t give me butterflies like it did the first night.

I eventually decided my feelings changed because 1) the adrenaline of the first night was mistaken for love and chemistry, and 2) because I still wanted to be with James. It wouldn’t have been fair for me to try and make something work with this boy if I still have feelings for my ex and still hang on to the small shred of hope that he may want me back one day.

Don’t get me wrong, this boy is still a sweetheart and I will never forget my time with him. But he definitely deserves someone who will idolize him the way he did me, and someone who won’t drag him down emotionally or financially, like I sadly would.

 

But since then, I have deactivated my account and am working on me. I’ll find my man/woman one day, and we will live happily ever after.

Sinking into Depression

I’d love to be able to say that I’ve thrived since I moved out of my Ex’s house, but that isn’t the case. Yes, I love being back. But here I am, 24 years old and out on my own for the first time. To say I’m drowning would be an understatement.
I don’t know how to be a good adult. I don’t know how to juggle car payments, phone bill, car insurance, student loan payments, credit card bills, and other expenses AS WELL AS paying rent and utilities on top of everything else. I feel like an utter failure, especially since my family members paid my rent for this month, and that hurt them. Now I’m almost $300 short for everything I need to pay for and have no idea how to come up with it. My family has already done so much for me financially that I can’t ask them that again.
I want to give up. I’m not strong enough for this suffering and stress.

Continuing to feel pain

Seriously why do I continue to put myself through this pain? Why do I allow myself to watch his snapchat stories and search for him on Facebook and instagram? Just seeing him so happy without me breaks me and brings me more pain than I’ve ever experienced. I already know I can’t handle seeing him, yet I keep doing it anyway. Why do I keep putting myself through the torture? I lay here crying again because I surrendered to the curiosity and watched his snapchat story.

“It would be a lie”

I can’t write a hateful poem about you,
about how awful
                  ungrateful
                  selfish
                  unfaithful
                  uncaring you were to me.
If I did, it would be a lie.
I can’t write a poem about my hatred of you,
of how you abandoned
                  neglected
                  gave up on us.
I can’t be angry for your reasons,
no matter how much it hurts
                                     destroys
                                     confuses me.
I can’t say that I hate you,
I never want to see you again,
you didn’t mean the world to me,
I didn’t love you.
It would be a lie.

“I miss the smell of you”

drowning in men’s body spray.
The sea, wood, and other fresh smells.
I miss your clothes,
the way the detergent blended
with your body sprays,
it was so comforting.

I miss the way we talked
and how you saw right through me.
You saw the best in me, even
if it wasn’t the best for you.
I miss how easily you could make me smile…
I haven’t done it much lately.

I miss having someone there
even though we weren’t together
anymore.
I miss not feeling alone.

Without him

I finally moved out of his house. I’m currently living with my mom in North Florida, waiting for my apartment to be available in Tampa. It’s harder than I thought it would be, to actually be away from him like this, to see his picture pop up on my newsfeed and he looks so happy, to be in this haze of still loving him even after everything that we went through and how much I’ve cried over him. I don’t know how to heal from this breakup. My last breakup I rebounded, but this time I’m not taking that route again. It’s strange to think that we get attached to someone, make them our entire world and reason for existing, but then must live without them while bearing the pain and loneliness of being away from them, and even knowing they are happier without you.
I still don’t hate him, even though my friends say I should. People who weren’t around for our breakup ask me about it, and I don’t tell them all the details. They ask if after he finds himself, will we get back together? I tell them I don’t know. That if later down the road that situation arises, I’ll decide then, but for now there is not and will never be us again.

First Tattoo

On January 22nd, 2016, I made the decision to get my first tattoo. It was a decision that I prolonged for years for multiple reasons:
~inability to pick a location
~indecisive on idea
~religious conflicts
~not wanting to disappoint my mom by getting one
~scared I’d regret it in the future
Thankfully I finally decided on a tattoo and a location, and one of my closest friends helped me find the concoction to actually go through with it. I didn’t want to get a cliché or stereotypical tattoo, regardless of how cute I think they are. I wanted something unique and meaningful, something I was sure I’d never regret.

Before I got this tattoo, I was at the lowest I’ve ever been in my life. I felt so insignificant and unwanted and that everything in life was attacking me. I wanted something to mark this low point in my life, but with a positive impact.

I ended up choosing a quote from my favorite Studio Ghibli animated film, Howl’s Moving Castle. The quote reads, “They say that the best blaze burns brightest when circumstances are at their worst.” It reminds me that even though this is the lowest I’ve ever been and that the future seems bleak, it will get better; how I handle being at my lowest, and how I rise up from that low point reveals the type of person I really am.

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One year ago today…

One year ago today he asked me to be his wife. I went most of today without realizing the significance of the date. It still hurts knowing that I was once his whole world just like he were once mine, and now there are times we can’t even stand to be around each other. We don’t really talk anymore, and we don’t hang out like friends outside the house. I wish I didn’t still care for him, I wish my heart didn’t break when I think about what we’ve gone through as a couple and while breaking up, and I wish I didn’t still live with him. That’s my biggest downfall right now. I know my healing process would progress eons faster if I wasn’t still living with him. Thankfully I’m moving out in less than 2 months.

Approaching 2016

As we start counting down the hours and minutes to the new year, I find myself caught between reflecting on this past year and contemplating the upcoming year.

I sit here alone, with just the cats keeping me company as I come to the realization that I have not been alone, relationship-wise, for New Years since 2009, my 11th grade in high school. This is my first New Years that I am single as an adult. It’s kind of weird thinking that I’m single for the first time during this time of year, and I’m not going to a party or looking for someone to kiss at midnight. I’m sitting home, and I’m probably going to go to bed before midnight even strikes.

I don’t really like looking back at this past year. There is so much pain and struggling; so many tears and frustrations. I’ve learned numerous lessons and gained experiences that will help guide my future. I can’t say it was all bad though. There were occasions of celebration, days of laughter, promotions at work, new friends, rekindled friendships, and new adventures that were taken. It has definitely been a year that I will never forget.

In past years, my New Year’s resolution has always been to exercise and get in shape, but I never end up doing it. This year I wanted to pick 2 New Year’s resolutions that I would enjoy accomplishing and would help get me closer to one of my life dreams. My 2016 New Year’s Resolutions are to read more books (at least 2-3 a month) as well as to had a finished first draft of my novel. Having a rough draft of my novel by the end of the year will help motivate me to actually write and make the necessary steps to one day having it published and being sold. I am also going to try to do more blogging, but I’m not making that one of my main goals.

Here’s to better experiences in 2016, with more laughter, more adventures, more smiling, and more being true to myself.

Self-Discovery

It’s wierd how he used the phrase “self-discovery” and “needing to find himself” when we broke up. Like he magically changed overnight and didn’t know who he was or where he was going anymore. I didn’t understand what he meant, but now that I’m single for the first time in my adult life, I understand what he means in a way.
When the two of us became a couple, we were different people than we are now. We are no longer lesbians, but a man and a girl. A man with a new identity, new opportunities, new views, new values, new ambitions in life; and a girl, lost in the changing winds. A girl who never took the time to be alone and discover who she was. A girl who has been in a relationship for four years before the most recent one of a year and a half. A girl who doesn’t really know who she’s supposed to be.
My life is filled with regrets and choices that were never really mine, but were made for me by those around me. This pain and lack of truth to myself, whomever I may be, is weighing on me. I know I can’t take back who I’ve been, the choices I made or avoided, the things I’ve said or been too scared to say, but I now know that I don’t have to continue being that person that upsets me. I have the freedom to be me, be the person who makes me happy, and fearlessly say and do what I want. No man or woman is holding me back, containing me, and suppressing me from the world. I’m free.
Now it’s time for me to heal and discover the woman I was destined to be.